Feeling Like The Sun

I had the most beautiful weekend full of friends, art, philosophical chats, and Thai food...yet this past Monday I found myself in a funk. I began my day feeling like I had swallowed a rain cloud. The weather, or moreso the decrease in daylight hours set in, and being a solar-powered sort of human being, I felt incredibly unmotivated and uninspired. That darkness on Monday felt like something that would loom within me until Spring. Thankfully, I was wrong, and this week transformed itself into a lesson...reminding me that: it is important to surround yourself with people who feed your creative energy, nothing blooms year round and you cannot expect yourself to either, and genuine human connection is phenomenal.
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“In your life, you must do what fulfills you. What lights your inner fire. What makes your heart shine. You must. For like a fish swimming out of water, or a penguin living in the tropics, things will not feel right; Simply because there are greater things out there for you” - Nicole Addison.
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Last week I spent way more time than typical with my friends, but, by the end of the week I felt empty rather than energized. I was trying to grasp why the quality time with people I love wasn’t fulfilling me in the way it normally would. I came to the realization that I have different kinds of friendships in my life, and not all of them serve the same purpose.

My friend Emerson and I were talking the other day about a new project we are starting where we come up with creative writing prompts to work on each week and mail to each other. We both want to focus more on our writing and know this would be a great way to motivate one another while sharing our art. This sort of friendship, one built on a basis of supporting one another’s passions and helping each other to grow and succeed creatively is what all friendships have the potential to be. Surrounding yourself with as many people who vibrate on the same wavelength as you is the best way to feel inspired and reenergized.

I finally realized that I had not been spending enough time with the right people, and in order to feel fully recharged I would need to reorient my week. I started my next morning by cleansing my soul in the Pacific sea, swimming through crystal clear water reminiscent of glass...the only sentient being for as far as I could see floating along and diving beneath waves that never seemed to crash. Salt water, sand, and sunshine have their own special way of making me feel more in touch with my ambitions.
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​The following morning I went to Lofty Coffee to catch up with my friend Nike. We wound up delving into a discussion about friendship, creative endeavors, frequencies, vibrations, and travel as we soaked up the purest sunlight for hours. The rest of my plans for the day fell into place like magic. From 5 hour facetime calls to spending the evening with 3 of my gal pals drinking milkshakes and laughing and talking about life...I felt fulfilled and full of love by the time I dozed off for the night. This week reminded me how extremely fortunate I am to be part of a network of girls who support and love one another. Not everyone in my circle is necessarily connected, but each individual girl friend in my life is just beautiful, kind, and creative in her own right.

A common discussion amongst me and many of those friends this past week has been focused on relationships. It is important to be aware of who you give your energy to and who is returning that positive energy. Notice which friends support you unconditionally, notice which people fuel your fire; because the truth is no relationship is as important as the relationship you have with yourself!! Anyone who isn’t adding to the love you feel for yourself, especially a person who is detracting from that love, is not someone you need around. Everyone is entitled to rid their life of toxic people. You can still love them, you can still support them, but it’s okay to come to the conclusion that there are people who are no longer raising your frequency.

​“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant” - Alice Walker.
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I’m in bloom during Spring and Summer and find the other half of the year that confusing in-between time that Walker discusses in the quote above. Understanding that nothing in nature blooms year-round and people cannot either is something I find particularly frustrating. It is challenging to feel as though everything in your life is stagnant, especially after a 6 month period of blooming. Growing is uncomfortable, being a seed seems frightening. You’re situated in dark soil and cannot see the sunlight. The blooming is the fun part...the part where you get to open your soul up to the sunshine and thrive. The beginning of fall is my wilting phase, but what I realized is that wilting is what allows me to become that seed yet again and figure out what steps I need to take so that I can bloom again in Spring.
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“We pine for what we don’t have but don’t nourish what we already do” - Unknown.
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I was feeling frustrated by the distance between where I am and where I want to be. I have lofty aspirations, but based on my experience I intuitively know that things fall into place when they’re meant to, not necessarily when you want them to. I was feeling this same sort of frustration this season last year and what I came to figure out is that right now I have EVERYTHING that I wanted and needed then. This put so many things into perspective for me. It took a year, but I got myself to the exact place I wanted to be last November...meaning that by next November I will propel myself into the life I’d like to be living now. I realized that whether I feel like it or not, I’m always in a state of adaptation and it’s important to enjoy each stage of my process, nourishing what I have. There will always be new desires, and those are the things that motivate us to change, but it is a beautiful feeling to appreciate the here and now for all it’s providing you with.
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“There I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute” - F. Scott Fitzgerald.
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You are your own universe. You should be the best person in your life. You’re the main character and everyone else is a guest. The impermanence is permanent. The only people you should allow into your world are people you feel happy around who feel happy around you. Be yourself everywhere with everyone but save your energy for the people who reflect your vibe. Reflect often. Remember that nothing in nature is constantly blooming. Be straight up about what you want. Succumb to accept your magic and collect wisdom from everywhere...realize that watching how plants sway in the wind or how ants work together can teach us infinite lessons. For the starry-eyed girl with her head in the clouds -- keep the swirls in your mind and the galaxies in your heart. You’re a human and soft as candle flicker with a soul begging to stay stoked.

A love as bright as sunshine...lust fiery like hell -- and an infatuation soft as yellow dusk.
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