Today I am sharing a little excerpt from my journal. As summer ends and fall begins, I have been thinking about my future and the life I continue to create for myself. Enjoy reading and let me know in the comments what motivates the choices you make for your future self!!
As another summer dissolves into fall, so does another season of my life begin to shift.
Autumn always seems to inspire me to reflect on my past. Perhaps my October birthday and the decaying orange leaves are what remind me of aging. Yet, this autumn, I don’t find myself thinking so much of the past, but of the future—my future.
My sister Katie’s move to college sets this fall apart from all others. Adapting to the idea of spending the next four years visiting her, rather than living with her requires evolving. I have built my life around her and a major motivation to withdraw from UCSB in 2017 and pursue my degree online instead was to be home to watch her grow up. But she’s grown now and I’m here living this life. It’s a good life, but parts of it have been constructed to accommodate my perceived needs of other people.
Sasha’s birthday is also in October and I’ve been wondering aloud if this will be the last birthday we celebrate as a couple—and what a silly and sad thing to speculate on. The future isn’t set in stone, and worrying about “maybe somedays” turning into “nevers” is neither productive or worth sleepless nights. We must enjoy what’s now and not take love for granted—well, at least I’m trying to learn that.
When I think about the future, I find myself getting irrational or emotional at times. Complete transparency here. I worry about other people’s potential choices to make changes that are out of my control—mostly people moving away, loves cut short, and my heart stretching across countries, oceans, and continents. Growing pains are a serious epidemic, you’d think we’d have perfected a cure by now.
But part of the solution lies within the problem: change can also be good. Maybe green, summer leaves don’t want to be yellow and brown, but the stunning decay is what allows for rebirth in the spring.
It’s a challenging thing to come to terms with and feel confident in, but I am dedicated to continuously trying to embrace the good changes and allow love to guide my future.
Ever since I was born, my parents decided that “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac was my song. I don’t know if I was predestined to relate to it or if by exposure and association I came to adopt the lyrics as my inner mission.
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
Just like Stevie sings, I build my life not entirely for myself, but around everyone I love.
So, when I think about my future, it’s a pretty big, mostly blank canvas. My passions—creating art and writing—can be done anywhere. But I don’t care about being anywhere. What I care about is being able to see Katie every day if I want to. Standing backstage at Sasha’s first runway show. Watching “Aquamarine” with Anniegrace every summer. But each of these people will go on to build lives for themselves as they should.
So it’s up to me to decide. Where do I go from here? Where do I want to be next fall? Who am I prepared to lose and what is there to gain?
Love is the greatest ingredient the universe has to offer. People get caught up chasing after success in careers or in cities only to reflect later and realize love was better than it all. I don’t want to be that person. I want to follow love, wherever that leads me.
My future it open and I don’t have a clue what next fall will look like.
I just want to create beautiful things and stay in love with my life and the people in it.
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